Donna Castlegrants’ Blog

The grim reaper shot out of bed then grabbed at the bedpost as the room began to swirl violently.” What now,? for God`s sake.”

God frowned. “I have warned you about this before.”

Sorry, sir. Quietus mumbled, his face turning a lighter shade of pale. What`s the matter?”

“What is the matter?” God repeated, his voice booming around the cavern.” What is the matter? You are what is the matter. “What are you doing in bed?”

Quietus flinched.” Eeeerrrrrrr, would you mind keeping your voice down a bit Arghhhh… got a bit of a headache.”

“You have what?” God yelled, his voice rising ten decibels. “Well you do look a little Piqued! But who can tell?”

The grim reaper groaned and sank down onto the bed.” Ugh! Out last night on the town. celebrating ‘All soul’s day’ sir. Well, it is my holiday. just feeling a little morbid.”

“What on earth ..? You should have been on Earth doing your job, not joining in with the natives. No wonder that your quota is down again this month, if you spend all your time in bed. Get out of here, now. El turned and walked out of the cavern, muttering under his breath. “They just do not understand how hard it is to run things.” He dematerialized then, changing his mind, appeared near the bed again. “I will be back in ten minutes, to check on you.” He yelled, “Nobody works as hard as they used to…..Hurry up before I get someone else to take your place….”

The Grim reaper let out a ghastly shudder and gazed longingly at his pillows. He knew that it was not an idle threat, so he would have to go. He climbed into his black robe and gathered his hourglass, scythe, gurgling stomach and fuzzy head together and wandered out of the cavern; taking care not to bang his scythe against the walls….His pale horse was no where to be found, what the hell was he supposed to ride on? Time to think rationally once again……

“My job is to rescue those who are suffering from great amounts of pain and those who are about to go into suffering from great amounts of pain. For years, I’ve saved a lot of lives. But, as always I get harsh responses from the masses. The only time they seem to be happy is when I miss a job, which is not good for my record. Plus, most of my misses would most likely still be in pain.
I’m in a nonprofit organization. That means I am not being paid, so I’m doing this for free. I wish they could be a little more grateful that their loved ones are not in endless pain or sipping their food through a straw. Few understand that my job is necessary but at the same time, they cuss me out.
I don’t hate them for hating me. It’s just that I would appreciate that they give me some credit and respect for my work.”

There were rules to the job. He could only collect souls and dispatch them to Lucifer and his lackeys. He hated that part of his job. According to the rules, he must wait until the moment of death before moving in, he himself could not take a life,. God would be very annoyed if He even suspected that Quietus murdered anything. The grim reaper was very discrete..and knew what to do when his time came…..

Quietus dispatched the souls five monkeys, three polar bear and a fox in quick succession, then, got his eye on a pair of frogs mating. They were both young and healthy but, the queen frog suffocated under the bull’s weight and met her demise, and Quietus went off to look for larger game. (It was ten days before the bull frog noticed that anything was wrong.)

Quietus found Newell sitting at the breakfast table in his shirt-sleeves. Perfect. He chortled, rubbing his meta carpals together. Mid forties, obese, stuffing his face with lovely, greasy, bacon and eggs. Oh, there is even a stogey burning in the ashtray; and a bottle of ale. Beer at 7:30 in the morning?
Newell clutched at his chest and groaned.” Oh, my God…..NO!!”
” Don`t say that. the grim reaper hissed, his head swiveling around. If he hears you we will both be in trouble….”

Newell looked up and saw the dark, robed, figure. “Don`t just stand there, you fool, get me a doctor. Aaaaaaaargh ..” he screamed.
” Oh, my head. Quietus groaned, putting his hands over his ears. “You don`t have to shout like that.”
” I Can`t….. stand pain…..Aaaaaaaaaargh..”

“Pain, shpain’s, all in the mind. Don`t be so bloody spiteful, it will only last a couple of minutes. The grim reaper stamped his foot and put his hands on top of his head.” My head, oh, it is going to come off. You are a selfish sod, stop it, my head is exploding.”

For a few seconds there was silence. Then, Newell slumped over, onto the floor, gasping. Quietus grinned.

Newell gathered all of his willpower and strength together and screamed. “I feel like death warmed over.”

The ghastly figure of death stopped shadowing Newell, It wasn’t worth the extra points he could claim for a human soul and shot out of the building, clutching his head again.

Newell recovered sufficiently to use the phone, then lay on the floor, exhausted, until help arrived. He later thought that he had imagined the robed figure. Must have been the pain. “Death wasn’t just knocking on the door, it was right next to me.” He explained to his wife.

Doom decimated the rat population of a ghetto in down town Los Angeles , Then the reaper watched seven elephants and a giraffe near Johannesburg expire, then popped along to herd five thousand lemmings over a cliff. He thought that it was now time for a nap. He could only have a few minutes, because, if the flood dried up, Archangel uriel would send his mate to do a spot check. Raphael was a bitch about other people`s work schedules. He was the director of time, and punctuality meant everything.

When Quietus woke up he felt a little better, well enough to have another go at a human. But, this time, he would go for an easier target.

Little Anna’s face had become flushed as her temperature soared. Her tiny fingers plucked at the sheet, as she lay in the oxygen tent, struggling for breath. Her parents watched, her mother sobbing quietly, as the doctor spoke to them.

“She is reaching the crisis point now. We are pushing massive doses of antibiotics into her, but the pneumonia has a strong hold. We should know one way or the other in an hour or two.”

Quietus nodded his head. “Alrighty then… just give me five minutes, pal.” He stood at the head of the bed and gazed down at the baby’s face. She opened her eyes and looked up at him. “Hi, kid. How about you and me going for a little toddle up those stairs, eh?” He pointed at a staircase that had appeared in the wall of the hospital room, next to a painting of a pale horse…

Her eyes were glazed but, with an effort, she brought them into focus and grinned. “Who is the boney man, Daddy?”

“Boney, indeed.” Death rattled, leaning forward.” Come-on, time to go”

Suddenly, time stopped, as the child grabbed the reaper’s hourglass and began to tip it backwards and forwards. The room slipped sideways and Quietus stumbled; nearly taking off the doctor`s head with his scythe. The room was frozen in time. The doctor stood, immobile, with his clip board in his hand. The nurse had one leg raised in the air as she attempted to take a step forward. The father was halfway out of his chair and the mother sat, with her mouth open, reaching out to her child.

The grim reaper scrambled to his feet.”Hey, Give me that, you little brat.”

The child giggled and turned the hourglass. The room slipped again and Quietus rattled to the other side of the bed. “Boney man fall down again, Daddy.” She began to laugh, and her voice echoed around the room.

“Stop it. The reaper shrilled. “You are bringing my headache back again.” This made the child laugh louder, and she tipped the sand again. The grim reaper’s head began to ring.

It was all over in a few moments. The child got bored with her new toy and flung it on the bed. Destiny snatched at his time-piece and reached out for his victim. But, as soon as Doom came near, she began to laugh again. “You got no nose, no mouth, no eyes.” Her laughter grew louder and louder. With a snort of disgust, the reaper fled through the wall.

Time returned to normal and the child`s eyelids began to droop. Her eyes closed and she fell back onto the pillows. Her parents leaned forward anxiously.
“It is alright, we have won.” The doctor said, as he held her wrist. “She is asleep but it is normal sleep. I think that she should be alright now; we’re not out of the woods yet mind you, but the worst is over.”

The reaper was not making the toll. He was fed up. They were just not co-operating at all. This was worse than pulling teeth. He took his rolodex out of his pocket and checked on his score. He frowned. He would never reach his daily quota, and he was already a week behind. God was going to kill him. He laughed at the thought, then regretted it, as his head began to swim. Why me? he muttered, seeing three hens become roadkill, then he shot off to Puerto Rico, to admire the handiwork of a few Chupacabras. The fast traveling did not help.” Oh, God, my head….This must be what suicide feels like.”

He heard the answer, “Suffer”, and scooted off to a remote part of Antarctica to sulk.

His time on patrol was never over. It was times like these when he needed an assistant to take over. He asked for one once, but the answer was no. He was in deep trouble; up to his neck bone in it. He worked out that there were only about ten minutes to go. Slowly he circled the world before leaving.

He was just drifting over Central Asia when he saw them, thousands of them. He chortled with glee. “War, lovely war, never ending massacre’s…..my work is never done…”

There was no time to be particular, but war was chaotic anyway. Luckily, the little girl`s interference had messed up his hourglass, giving him extra time in which to do a good job. Happily, he totaled up his points, then he turned back. Just enough time for five more to make both sides equal. The grim reaper did not take sides, and both sides always lost anyway.

Quietus smiled as he wandered off. Forget the headache, pal, you are over your quota now. A quick trip home, to spruce up the image; it was poker night, . “YES! Thank you God, Shit, and to think, I nearly spoiled it. “This has to be the best job in the world.”

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